Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
