apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
