We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
