My underwear smells like fireworks.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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