I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
