I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
