last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
