you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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