She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
