no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
