I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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