i barfeds in our rink
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
