I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
