I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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