I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
