I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
