Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
