things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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