I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is Oprah even human
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
