Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
