There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
