You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
