i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
