I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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