My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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