You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
