I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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