If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
