Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
