I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
