I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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