You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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