Swine flu. Run for my life!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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