I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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