dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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