There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Randomize
