Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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