Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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