I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
