Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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