guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
