apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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