Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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