So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
