i just sent this text using only my big toe
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
