I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
