Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
