and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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