if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
this boner is exhausting
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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