So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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