Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
