Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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