yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
