He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
