You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Randomize
